Scars of War

I want to start by congratulating myself on finding such a dramatic title to this piece. Although it sounds like the title of a blockbuster Hollywood movie, this is far from fiction; this is everyday life; this is the story of my life.

Nod your head if you have never failed in life. If you didn’t just nod your head then please read on because you are exactly who I had in mind when putting this together.

My first year in the university was my most challenging one academically. I had the uncommon privilege of scoring all the grades possible in just my first semester. Once again, it felt like I was watching a movie every time I went to the result board those days. I told myself this just can’t be me. More annoying was that I scored an A in a 1 unit course while the F was in a 4 unit course; the way the grade system works, I would have just been better off with 2 Ds in both courses really.

After the first semester, I couldn’t just settle for the result. I am brilliant chap no doubt. My secondary school results were pretty good and I felt I deserved better. I spent some time attempting to contest the result but for the advice of concerned strangers who warned me against it. You have four more years in the university ahead of you, buckle up, do it again and you’d be just fine. I’m glad I took their advice

The real gist was an event that happened in my second year. I was placed in a position where I had to publicly declare what my CGPA was. Though I can’t remember why o was asked to, but I can’t also forget how miserable it made me feel.

This was church event and I couldn’t possibly lie.  I shared my poor 1.87 CGPA with everyone in attendance and that went down as one of the most embarrassing days of my life but also a very decisive one. Looking back, there are 2 quick lessons to pick

First is that one event that goes wrong in your life doesn’t define your life forever. Often I feel that all eyes are on me at all times and I know we all mostly do feel this way too. Note, this is 2pac and not scripture so it can’t be true. Even if it was true, after a while, people forget about your embarrassing moment because they have their own to remember and think about. So don’t go kill yourself over it. I still remember that day fondly but I doubt if many other people that were there that day do. And yet, as at then it felt like I had let the whole world in on my top secret at that time.

One event that goes wrong in your life doesn’t define your life forever

The second is the big idea of this article- if you don’t take responsibility for your failures; how on earth would you be responsible for turning things around.

I went on to graduate from that same school with a second upper division with every semester GPA surpassing the previous one back to back despite starting as a mere pass student. I believe that would not have been possible if I lived in denial all through my campus life.

If you don’t take responsibility for your failures; how on earth would you be responsible for turning things around.

The concept of failing forward is based on your ability to realize that failure is just an event as well as an opportunity to begin again more intelligently. If you have ever failed at a thing, you need to know that you didn’t fail, the thing did and if you can take responsibility for it then you also can rewrite your story and tell a testimony. Don’t play the blame game, don’t give excuses. Rather, own up, buckle up, and go at it again.

Failures are your scars of war. They show that you lost a battle. When handled properly, they can also become your mark of victory that will be proof that you won the war.

Selah,

Afolabi.

Dont just take NO for an answer, ask WHY!

Several research studies have revealed that most non-routine sales occur only after 5 follow-ups. This means that it takes at least 5 continuous and consistent follow up efforts after the initial sales contact, before a prospective customer agrees to patronize your product. That’s an equivalent of 4 NOs before you get 1 YES.

This highlights the importance of a list of things. Top of that list is persistence; but also important, though not often spoken about, is feedback.

Here is what I mean, 4 NOs don’t always ordinarily guarantee a YES at the 5th trial. It is foolish to do things the same way and expect a different result. What you do with rejection is what decides what happens at your next try. The issue is that often, people don’t make an effort to find out why they are being turned down. They just turn away without asking for feedback.

What we ought to do when a prospective customer refuses to patronize our business is to find out why he/she didn’t. You ought to take every rejection moment as a learning opportunity- What did I get wrong? What can I make better? What extras can give me an advantage in my next outing? What can I do to change this customer’s mind? Why do you prefer my competitors to me? Don’t just accept being rejected, ask why!

This finds its application not just in sales. Whether it is a prospective lover turning down your advances, or a prospective employer showing you the door after an interview, sometimes what you need to do to guarantee that you don’t get rejected again is to ask and receive feedback.

Don’t just accept being rejected, ask why!

In some cases, you’d find out that what asking that all important question does is to make the prospect see that they really don’t have a reason for rejecting you. Their inability to point you to your flaws could bring to the fore front their own bias and in certain cases cause them to rethink on their decision.

Whatever the case might be, whether there is a flaw identified, or a bias revealed, or even neither of the two, we are presented with a winning opportunity when we choose to ask questions rather than accept fate when faced with rejection.  This winning opportunity might perhaps be the reason why you don’t need to try 3 more times before you get your desired ‘YES’.

 

Things you should know about People

Understanding people is key to life success. Money doesn’t make the world go round, people do. The world is no good with all the money in it if their are no people to use that money. So, i think the most important aspect of your life isn’t just your money but the people in your life.

So below are some of the things you should know about people:

People like to be treated with honor, value, and respect.  Even in cases where they don’t deserve it, people will still expect respect from you. You must understand that this is a fundamental human need for people.

Everyone has a price. This doesn’t necessarily mean you can buy them with money. Rather it implies that people can be reached, influenced, and won over. Whether its by affirmation, acts of service, gifts, or whatever else appeals to their interests and needs, everyone has stuffs they value and respond to.

People are ultimately insatiable. They are always looking for greener pastures. There is no way you can hold back a man who is convinced that there is better for him elsewhere. Sadly though, most people are too lazy to pay the necessary price for their advancement; nonetheless, the desire to improve our lives is an unquenchable thirst in each and everyone of us.

Everyone has the seed of good in them. You should never write a man off. As long as he has life, no matter how terrible his past or present is, he can construct an edifice of a future. Men are ‘illimitable’! limits only exist in our minds and when those minds are liberated by truth, nothing cant restrict the success and progress a man can make.

Human destinies are somehow connected. Those you treat badly today might be in positions to repay you in the same manner tomorrow. Even if they are not, your wrong seeds will catch up with you and someone else somehow will pay you back on their behalf (some call this karma). So it pays to treat people well.

Here is a conclusion you should hold dear- Dealing with people is like playing a video game. when you know rules and how to play it, it becomes fun and easy to do. Before then, it would just be a frustrating activity of nothingness.

Cheers!

Afolabi Soaga

Dealing with people is like playing a video game. when you know rules and how to play it, it becomes fun and easy to do.

 

L.O.V.E

I have heard a lot of people say that there is no such thing as true love. I completely disagree.

Quite evidently, there is a lot of falsehood and deceit everywhere. In many cases, counterfeits are usually produced in larger quantities than the original because they are cheaper and easier to make; but the existence of fakes isn’t disproof of the existence and reality of an original, as a matter of fact, it proves it.

When Jesus hung on a tree on our behalf, he proved and preached 1 Corinthians 13 in its truest and purest form. No greater love than this, than a man should die for another, and Jesus did die for us. Even in fairy tales, the greatest expression of true love is painted as when a man sacrifices his life for his lover.

How then does this relate with your search for true love or the existence of it.

In several places, the bible relates the love Christ has exemplified for the church with the same a man should have for his wife. A husband is required to love his bride as purely, deeply and intimately as Christ loves the church. That love should be so strong that it makes him one with his wife such that he loves her no less than he loves himself.

This Christ-like love is God’s expectation and requirement of us as men. We are not expected to give anything less. God won’t ask us to give something we are not able to afford. For every expectation God places on a man, he accompanies with it the capacity to fulfill it.4199531-you-are-in-love-normal

photo credit: Google

I therefore have no doubt about man’s ability to love his spouse truly and deeply, or on the existence of pure and true love.

We all just need to come to that point where we decide that we won’t give anything less nor settle for anything not true.

It is equally important that we don’t succumb to the idea of the non-existence of true love as claimed by several people who have probably had bad episodes in their lives’ drama.

It’s a lie you and I shouldn’t believe nor accept. Because our beliefs are simply thought patterns we have dwelt on for so long and have accepted as truth. As a result, they become self-fulfilling prophecies of our fate. The realities of our thoughts soon become the realities of our lives. If we choose to join the band wagon of people who claim and believe that only fake love is obtainable, then fake love would be all you can attract to yourself and give to others.

We must come to terms that true love isn’t just a fairy tale fantasy that is possible only in Disney movies, but rather a present day reality of a wise few who dared to believe in its possibility. We must believe that pure love is attainable even in this degenerated generation of ours.

We must believe that love is indeed beautiful and that we have the capacity to give and receive it in its whole, pure and best form; and that even if the true love doesn’t become everybody’s reality, it can and will be ours especially if we commit ourselves to giving it.

When you think this, that’s just what you’d get.

#IBelieveInLove

Soaga Afolabi

IWrite, ISpeak, IINspire

Relationship and emotional status: COMPLICATED 2

…Continued from previous post.

So yes, love is a feeling and like every other feeling, it is not always person exclusive unless wee make it so. it is a the result of a causative. the way we feel about people is sometimes beyond our control. see full post here.

That is not all there is to say about love however. here is the twist i spoke of in the prequel to this post.

Although love is experienced as a feeling, it is expressed as an action.

Most people are aware of the experience of love but not of the expression of it. Well, thats not a wonder though, the human kind ordinarily tends to be selfish. A feeling usually is something you sort of receive while an action is what you give. We are ordinarily more interested in what we stand to gain from people and things than what we stand it give.

Love isn’t complete until you do something about it. as a matter of fact, what validates love as love is what it makes you do. the feeling you experience is just a part of it, what you do with that feeling or what the feeling makes you do is another. my hand is me, but it is not all there is to me. so love isn’t complete if it is only professed, it must be shown.

So the way i describe love is this- feelings are a necesary condition, but it is not sufficient. twopeople-main

Our actions and decisions are products of our thoughts or and feelings. The choices a natural man makes are sourced from two main channels feelings and/or reason ( the supernatural man has a 3rd dimension which is his spirit; and he does well to always follow his leading. Also, ladies claim have a super power called intuition. lol. Well, that really is just a superscript of their feelings faculty).

Again the stronger force between your reason and feeling is the one you feed the most. If you are undisciplined and always act on impulse, it implies that your feelings are stronger than your reason. it implies that you have fed your feelings more than you have fed your will. Its an unsafe way to live and even your relationship will suffer for it in the long run. But a disciplined man who has learnt to control his feelings and to value thought and reason will on the overall make better choices and live a better life. (This thought of mine is subject to interpretation based on context. I also believe strongly that your heart (innermost self) knows better than your head).6157340_f248

In essence, what you feel might be completely outside your control, but what you do isn’t. That’s why, though its possible to feel love for more than one person, it is not ideal and you shouldn’t and you can choose not to. Ideally, i think you shouldn’t love more than one. You shouldn’t devote your time, efforts, and emotions to more than one person. You shouldn’t feed your feelings to a point where it controls you and make you take actions that you would regret especially if you are already in another relationship or when you notice that a potential relationship could be a toxic one.

In conclusion, take control of your love life. dont settle for anything less and dont give anything less than you can give. if your emotional status is complicated, its because you’ve allowed it so. chyange that today, feed positive feelings, starve toxic ones. love should be healthy, but you have to choose it so. love is better when you make it exclusive, you have the power to do so and so do i.

ciao

 

Stressed-man

PS: lets have a discussion about this. write comments and share your experiences in the comment box below. you can also follow this blog to make sure you dont miss any of my posts. You can also like and share with people in your network.

Soaga Afolabi

IWrite, ISpeak, IINspire!!!

Image source: google

 

Relationship and Emotional Status: COMPLICATED 1

So many young people when asked about their relationship status will tell you it’s complicated. some say it just or fun, others mean it. i’ve been in complicated modes at several times in my life. sometimes its because you are not sure if what you have with a person is a relationship, or sometimes you are not sure what type of relationship you have with a person. at other times, its because you are at a cross road of deciding who to commit to between two people you are attracted towards. this could be a really tough position to be in and i’d be saying one or two things about this.

You dont need a rocket science to convince you not to commit to a relationship if you don’t love the person; and its rational and relatively easy to opt for a person you love more than the one you love less. But at times, we honestly cant tell who it is we love more or less and we sometimes cant categorically say whether it is really love we are feeling.Stressed-Out-Woman

So lets answer this question- is it really possible to be in love with two different people?

To start off, we need to be clear on what love means. Love is probably one of the most complicated thing to define. At times, the best people can do is describe it; and many people have varying descriptions for love. One thing however many people will describe their ‘in love’ experience as is is a passionate attraction to someone else. Love is defined by the dictionary as a strong feeling of affection and sexual attraction for someone.

From this definition and description, one thing is clear, and that is- love is at its basic form- a feeling.

Like every other feeling, it is stimulated by some sort of stimuli, which in the case of love could be appearance, intelligence, wealth, or some other thing that a person finds valuable and attractive. This stimuli/feature is what attracts us to people. Love doesn’t just happen; something makes it happen. Whether you can identify what attracted you to a person or not is subject for another day. But like every other feeling, i believe love is a cause and effect phenomenon and most people will agree with me on that.

The bone of contention however is if one could have this special feeling for more than one person.

In response to that, someone queried once that if it is possible to have the feelings of empathy, sympathy, anger, and any other emotionally feeling people have that you can think of, for more than one person, why should love which is also a feeling be any different? If you can love your parents and also your siblings truly, why cant you also be ‘in love’ truly with multiple people ?

I believe that nobody is a monopolist of all the qualities we desire in a partner. Even if one person has all the qualities you have on your list (imaginary or written), he is definitely not the only one in the world that does so. So it is often possible that we meet several people over the course of our lifetime that possess these qualities and we will be as such drawn towards them.

This dilemma as i have found is often more prominent when we are single and searching. Its a bit different for people who have committed themselves into a relationship with someone they’ve identified that they love.  such people also do find people that they are drawn towards but usually have the luxury of being able to ignore those feelings as they distract themselves with their present romantic commitments. Since such people are no longer looking for a partner they perhaps see potential spouses a little differently, and so they label what they’d have called love as something else because they know they don’t want to jeopardize their existing love affair by contaminating it with feelings they aren’t even sure is mutual. Some are even too busy with the feelings they share with their present spouse or partner to notice another which might be building up while some just like being bad and so they ‘have an affair because life is short’. sometimes those affairs survive and replace existing relationships, sometimes they dont. but no matter how shallow the feeling that led to the affair might have been, they cant deny that the feeling was real and present at some point.

So from the ongoing, i dont think it is grossly impossible to have feelings for more than one person. i think that the idea of it being impossible to be in love with different people simultaenously  stems from our society’s decision to associate exclusivity with love, hence the concept of true love and fake love. We say true love isn’t just any feeling, its a special one; and so it is only possible to share it with one person. We see it as magic that happens once in a blue moon and as such cant be trivalised with other feelings such as fear, anger, or even happiness. i do not dispute the fact that untrue love exists. But the existence of feelings for a person no matter how deep doesnt always mean that the feelings for another person is fake no matter how shallow it is. feelings are feelings; they are really neither fake or real. they are just feelings.

The truth is, love is special only when you make it so. Love is exclusive only when you make it so.

Perhaps you cant love two people at the same level or with the same intensity, but i think you can love them both all the same. And that love no matter how little it is, it is real and it is true. as a matter of fact, in my case i found that there were times it looked like i loved woman A more, and at other times, i loved woman B more. i am certain i was attracted to both but at different times was more conscious of one than the other. Feelings are just so unstable, like fuel price. lol

An anonymous quote says that there is nothing worse that meeting the perfect person at the wrong time. Many people have had to deal with such hard feelings; some succesfully and others badly. I guess thats what led to some other person concluding that some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together.

So as far as love being a feeling, i do agree as i have experienced, that you can have such feeling of attraction and affection towards more than one person at different or same period of time. You could love them differently and for different things, you could love them at different degrees or extent; but what is true is that you love them all the same.

Add this to note, that two almost negating feelings can exist within you…like having two brutal dogs in the same cage. The one that wins and survives over time is the one you feed the most.

 

Good. Now here is the twist to this topic. read on here.Woman Staring Out Window --- Image by © Rick Gomez/Corbis

PS: lets have a discussion aboput this. write comments and share your experiences in the comment box below. you can also follow this blog to make sure you dont miss any of my posts. You can also like and share with people in your network.

Soaga Afolabi

IWrite, ISpeak, IINspire!!!

Image source: google