Its another Sunday and It’s a privilege to be here sharing a little of what life has taught me with you again. Last Tuesday was my birthday. Days like that are good for reflecting on your life. Where you are, where you were and where you are going to. At times like this, we tend to also count those things we’ve achieved and the ones we are yet to. Unfortunately For me, one of those things I did count is the fact that I am still very single. Fortunately, I was also able to discover the reason why.
This is also probably the reason why you are still single. And if you don’t do something about this, you will most likely remain single for a long while. And if you are lucky enough to have gotten someone already, its probably why you are heading for a separation now or eventually.
And there is a danger attached to being single for too long. when time expires like it will eventually, most people get frustrated with their singleness and in such broken and frustrated state, drift towards the wrong person, get frustrated in such relationship, and later frustrated out of the relationship and thus begin and continue a cycle of Hollywood-type of multiple make-up’s and break-ups. I don’t want this at all plus where I come from, this is simply not cool. You can indeed have a fairy tale kind of relationship of happily ever after with this principle I am about to share.
So what’s the big secret? I discovered that a lot of people are single simply because they are selfish. Simple as it may sound, it is very true and just hang on a little while and I’ll tell you why. Yes, people are not single because they are poor (many rich people are seriously still searching), nor because they are ugly (I am the cutest guy I know and like earlier pointed, I am still very single; ladies please take note), neither is it because they are not intelligent, excellent or neat, all these seem like good reasons but I believe one major reason which is mostly undetected is because they are selfish.
This selfishness has nothing to do with their willingness to share of their wealth or time or any other thing they possess, but rather their unwillingness to compromise on their standards or bend to the the needs and standards of their intended spouse or partner. Most of us approach romance majorly with thoughts of what we want and require in others and not what they can give or what they need. My dictionary defines selfishness as concerned with your own interests, needs, and wishes while ignoring those of others
Many people obviously think that the opposite of love is hate. Wrong! The opposite of love isn’t hate but self-centeredness. And since love is what we all look for in romance, its opposite is the number enemy of romance. It is the reason many can find ‘suitable’ partners and also the main reson for most breakups and divorces.
Most people approach relationships with certain set/ expected standards. But more often than not, reality doesn’t present us with perfect matches of round pegs inside round holes. People are not like dresses in which you can always find a perfect match whenever you go to the dress shop. More often than not, with people you’d have to make adjustments for the sake of love. Those that are not willing to compromise willingly and knowledgeably are forced to compromise to even more debased standards eventually or remain single for very long period of time because there are simple no perfect people or perfect matches anywhere. Only of course in Hollywood and that’s probably why they have so many breakups.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having standards and check lists of what you want in a potential partner. You should know what you want and go for it. Someone rightly said once that if you make up your mind to settle for nothing less than the best at all times, you’d get it very often; however you need to come to terms that in relationships with people, and romance in particular, it’s not all about you. It takes two to tango. So for a real relationship, there can’t just be one check list, there has to be two and those boxes must match. And you may not always find a perfect match and so you have to sometimes compromise by removing some boxes from your list and meeting the requirements of the boxes of someone else’s.
Personally, I have always wanted a fantastic partner who my friends will tell me I am really lucky to have. Everybody wants that and so does the person I want to be with. What this implies is that as much as I expect her to satisfy some conditions so also does she expect same from me. If I am then only concerned about her meeting my standards and have no plans of meeting hers there would be clashes and mismatches. It is often said that you can’t find a 100% spouse anywhere but many men while chasing such fantasies have missed out on their 90% best. Don’t be like them, be wise.
The great apostle paul of the bible said that he became a jew to the jews and greek to the greeks so that he can gain something. I like to explain that he was simply measuring up to the standards of where he found himself so as to obtain desired results. This is a general law of relationships. Its either you measure up and sometimes down like this or you’ll get left out. There are certain places you go to where wearing anything other than a black suit would be simply ludicrous and there are also places where wearing that would make people not take you seriously. That’s how people are; that’s how relationships are too. It is what life’s variety entail.
But in explaining this concept of the variety of life and our ability to measure up/down by intelligent compromise, I like to always emphasize that no matter how considerate a man chooses to be, excellence at any level should not be compromised upon. So whether you are greek or jew, be an excellent one. So don’t just accept just anything for the sake of compromise that will eventually still make you end up single. Like earlier said, if you won’t settle for less, you can get the the best. But nonetheless, intelligent compromise is usually needed for relationships to start and work. Let me give this example to buttress this point. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder; but there are certain beauties that are in the eye of every beholder. Permit me to use this example, but take a look at beyonce; even a blind man knows she’s hot! She might not be the most beautiful woman in the world but if beauty is on your checklist, theen she passes for an excellent score and thus a worthy compromise to accept.
I’ll conclude with a profound thought my lecturer shared in class recently, he said “in the game of love, conditions shouldn’t come first”. You can always disprove that but always remember, people will always have flaws; after all you have yours too. As long as they are willing to change and improve, you sometimes might need to be tolerant of their flaws just as much as you need people to be tolerant of yours. Stop being selfish and start being considerate. I the end, if you remain selfish, its your own loss not anybody else. Be willing to adjust when you have to and I assure you that sooner or later, you find that one imperfect human (just like you are) that is perfect for you.
Well let me answer a likely question of your heart. Since I made my own adjustment, have I found anybody? Well, the truthful answer is no. but one thing I am very certain about is that I am at least I’m a step closer to being more than single and you would too if you join me on this cruise off selfishness into the island of true love. I’ll keep trying to find out other possible reasons and I’ll keep sharing too. When it eventually happens I’ll let you all know. Till then…………….
I remain me.